


They Got My Heart, They Got My Soul

by rosesmallow



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Autistic Poe Dameron, Canon Rewrite, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Found Family, Friendship, Gen, Not Canon Compliant, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:46:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28877415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosesmallow/pseuds/rosesmallow
Summary: Poe tells Black Squadron what they missed aboard the Raddus, and gets more than he ever expected in return.
Relationships: Poe Dameron & Black Squadron
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	They Got My Heart, They Got My Soul

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Family" by Mother Mother.
> 
> A quick and even more autistic rewrite of a scene from Resistance Reborn. I was initially pretty wary about the book (which is why this fic happened), but it's really sweet and I love it a lot.
> 
> (If you happen to like Amilyn Holdo, I'd suggest reading with caution or backing out, because this fic isn't very positive toward her.)
> 
> Finally, content warning: there is a scene where Poe gets overstimulated with sensory overload, and there are references to death.

Poe politely excused himself from Grist, squeezing through the crowd and feeling as though his head had been disconnected from the rest of his body. He felt as though he’d been unmoored, drifting lazily through space — something he actually  _ had  _ experience in. 

He was still gripping the glass of wine he’d been given, but he’d barely touched it. Between all the people crowded around, the loud chatter of people trading conversation, the live band, and still feeling wired from the battle above Ikkrukk, Poe felt like a rubber band about to snap — and the evening was far from over.

Finally, he spied most of Black Squadron (Snap, Kare and Suralinda — Jess was out by the ships taking stock) huddled together in a booth, far away from all the noise and the people. Poe felt a wave of relief: he needed a reprieve from the overstimulation this party was causing him. But with each step closer to the booth, the more his heart hammered in his chest, his feet feeling inordinately heavy. He hadn’t told them everything yet, wanted them to have this moment of victory and triumph before they found out how dire the situation back at base was -

Well, back on  _ the Falcon.  _ They didn’t have a base anymore.

Kare picked her head up from Snap’s shoulder as Poe approached, her brow furrowing. “You okay? You look like you got run over by a horde of Tauntauns.”

Poe made a noncommittal noise as he went to sit down in the seat beside them, but sank into the seat pillow. “What the -” he looked down underneath him at the ridiculously deep cushions, shifting left and right in an effort to find a spot that didn’t make him feel as if he was falling.

“I guess they value comfort and aesthetics over firmness here,” Snap said with a shrug as he moved his arm from around Kare’s waist to tug his glass toward him. Unlike Poe, he and the others had actually downed most of their drinks.

“I feel like I’m sinking,” Poe muttered as he began to fall back into the bench again. With a huff, he stood up and dumped the cushions in a neat pile next to him, and sat back down.  _ That  _ was better.

Suralinda tapped one long finger against the rim of her glass, eyeing him warily. “I recognize that look on your face, Dameron. Is the party getting too much for you?” There was a surprisingly gentle touch to her voice, which took Snap and Kare aback. 

Poe began to rock in his seat but forced himself to go still. As comforting as the motion was, he didn’t feel safe enough in front of the crowd gathered at the party to stim. Still, he was finding it difficult to string his words together — he’d underestimated how overstimulated he was. “Little bit, yeah. How’s your injury?”

Suralinda winced and looked down at her torso. She’d been rushed to a sickbay shortly after the First Order had been dealt with, but no amount of bacta could treat the pain of getting shot in the chest. Poe was amazed she was even up and drinking, but Suralinda was a fountain of surprises. “Hurts like hell. I won’t be getting up and putting on a performance with the band anytime soon, that’s for sure.”

“I’m glad you’re alright,” Poe told her then slid his gaze to Kare and Snap. “I’m glad you’re  _ all _ okay, I don't know what I’d do if -” he cut himself up abruptly, fixing his stare on the edge of the table, feeling his eyes burn. Yeah, this wasn’t going like he pictured it.

“Alright,” Snap said, standing up. “We’re getting you out of here.”

Poe opened his mouth to argue - this party was being held partially in their honor, it would be rude to step out early, but his lips only moved soundlessly. Would it really matter if they left now anyway? Grist was willing to offer them some supplies, but was too concerned with her own interests to publicly aid the Resistance against the First Order’s tyranny — and if this party proved anything, there were still quite a few First Order sympathizers involved in the politics here, despite everything.

So, Poe didn’t protest when Kare helped him out of his seat and the three headed for the doors. Snap thanked Grist and the others so Poe wouldn’t have to try and mask, and the crowd gathered gave a polite cheer as they stepped out into the night. The shock of the evening chill helped anchor Poe, and he was able to stop leaning on Kare for support. 

“Thanks,” Poe told them as they walked to the landing pad where Jess would be waiting. He felt embarrassed, though he couldn’t put his finger on why. It wasn’t as though Black Squadron had never helped him through something like this before, they had each other’s backs. 

“We’re with you, Poe.” Kare reminded him, making sure to keep some distance between them. As affectionate as Poe was, he didn’t like to be unnecessarily touched or hugged when he was stressed out, and she wanted to respect that.

Her words did nothing but remind Poe of what was waiting for him when they reached Jess, what he had to tell them. He dragged a hand down his face: the feeling of his stubble against his palm helped ground him just a bit more. He didn’t feel as untethered now.

Jess was reclining on the hull of Suralinda’s X-Wing, one leg thrown off it and swinging slightly. A handful of supply crates were gathered around their ships. They’d need to get those into the ship Grakkus’ loaned him so he could get them back to the Resistance. 

“They fuel ‘em up?” Snap asked as they came to a stop beneath the ship. 

“Yep, but there was no saving mine.” Jess hopped down to greet them. To Poe, she added, “I might need a ride off-world.”

“There’s room in the ship for you and these supplies,” Poe assured her, then hesitated. “But before we do anything, there’s something I gotta tell you guys. It’s - it’s not great.”

Snap folded his arms. “I could tell that when you got here.”

“And when you mentioned Black One was gone, with a bunch of other ships,” Kare added. “Poe, what happened?”

He leaned back onto one of the crates for support, closing his eyes.  _ This  _ was what he was looking forward to least of all. When Finn had asked for a recap on what happened while he was unconscious back on the Falcon, Poe had skirted around the topic of the Dreadnaught assault. It was too fresh of a wound, still untreated. It had been easier to make light of the torture he’d suffered aboard the Finalizer.

“Things went south after you guys left.  _ Really  _ south.” Poe opened his eyes, looked at his Squadron. His friends - his  _ family _ . He had no idea how they’d take the news, didn’t have a clue if they’d ever look at him the same way after he told them about the Dreadnaught.

But Poe Dameron didn’t keep secrets, and he didn’t keep people in the dark. Certainly not those under his command. So he told them about how he’d made the decision to continue the assault on the Dreadnaught, spurred on by the fear of losing everyone he had left in the same way as he had his mother, Lu’lo and Murran: destroyed in a flurry of fire and debris, with nothing left of them but scattered atoms among the stars. 

And Hux had threatened  _ Leia.  _ The Dreadnaught had destroyed the base on D’Qar like it was nothing, and if it had turned its canons to the Raddus before they could get away? There had been no other choice in his head, he  _ had _ to destroy it so it wouldn’t destroy them then or later.

He’d pulled crazier stunts than that before and they’d worked: every mission with Black Squadron was proof of the Resistance’s ability to beat the rising odds and save the day. Hell, they’d just taken on an entire  _ planet _ with twelve fighter pilots and they’d  _ won. _

The Dreadnaught should have been a piece of cake, but his luck had run out.

The bombing squadron, gone. So many fighter pilots, gone. And yet he was still alive. He couldn’t tell if that was just a scrap of stray luck or punishment. 

When he finished with the Dreadnaught tale, he waited for his friends’ reactions. They shared some uncomfortable glances while he retold the events above D’Qar, but largely remained quiet. “Whatever you’re thinking…feel free to say it.” He told them, pressing his palms into his kneecaps. 

“You’re an idiot,” Kare said simply, and Poe inhaled a quick laugh. 

“Yeah, yeah I am that.” 

“But you’re no more of an idiot than you were before this.” Kare continued, and Poe looked up in surprise. Her voice was firm, but her eyes were soft as she appraised him. “You’ve disobeyed orders and pulled off crazy stunts ever since I  _ met  _ you.”

Poe swallowed, looking between her and the others, trying to process what she was saying. “You’re not...you don’t hate me or want to be transferred to another commander?”

“You’ve saved our skins dozens of times, Poe. I’m not happy you pulled something like that without us as backup or -” Snap stopped himself and tried again. “I understand where you were coming from. You screwed up and, yeah, it cost lives. We’re at war, that’s gonna happen. We don’t get to choose who lives and who dies when we kriff up. We just gotta make sure we do better next time, and -” Snap spreads his arms to gesture at the four of them. “You came through for us. I think that counts for something.”

Poe turned to Suralinda and Jess, both of whom shrugged.

“I know you, Poe Dameron. You don’t give up, you do the right thing. Your luck ran out this time, but you’ll make it count again and again. You gave me a second chance, after all, and I think I’ve done worse than you.”

“Jess?” Poe asked, trying to keep his voice neutral, but it was hard. He’d already let Leia down with his decision to go against the Dreadnaught, and he’d been prepared for something similar with his oldest friends - not outright support and love.

But then again, this was Black Squadron, and they were full of surprises.

“You’ve been there for me more times than I can count, Poe. That support means more than anything. I’m not gonna throw one of my closest friends away just because he can sometimes be a bit of a nerf-herder.” 

Poe’s eyes were stinging again, but he didn’t bother to wipe away the few stray tears that slipped down his cheeks. His lips were moving soundlessly again, stunned into silence by their faith in him, and he stumbled forward for a hug. Kare moved first, catching him easily, and then Snap, Suralinda, and Jess joined in.

Belatedly, Poe realized it was the first hug he’d received since -

Well, since he reunited with Finn back on D’Qar.

After a few minutes, Poe pulled back with a light laugh, unsure of how else to respond to the warmth that was blossoming in his chest. Suralinda reached out for him, brushed the tears from his cheeks.

“I love you guys,” Poe found himself saying. “I -”

“We know, Poe,” Kare told him sincerely, squeezing his shoulder. “We love you too.”

“Not to break up the tender moment, but that wasn’t the only bad news you had for us, was it?” Snap asked, leaning back up against the hull of the X-Wing. 

“No it’s not...you guys might wanna sit down for this. The First Order - Finn and Rose explained it to me, but it went over my head - basically, they were able to track our ships through hyperspace.”

“Did they have a tracker on one of the ships?” Jess asked, eyes wide. “Like Terex?”

Poe shook his head. “No, they were managing to track us in real-time. The second we pulled out of hyperspace -” he snapped his fingers. “They were there, their entire fleet.  _ Snoke’s ship.  _ We were sitting ducks. They sent out a squadron to disable our ships and -” 

He tensed, feeling phantom flames licking at his face. “They destroyed one of the Raddus’ hangers, we lost...we lost a lot of techs and pilots, Tallie included. That’s what happened to Black One. Beebee and I were on our way to intercept the squadron, but we got to the hanger just in time for it to go up.” All those people - his  _ friends  _ \- dead in a second and there was nothing he could do.

Snap swore under his breath. “Tallie was a good kid. Used to fight with her for the last cup of caf in the morning. She’d give me a lot of shit but -”

“She always grabbed you a cup to make sure you got some,” Kare recalled, looking just as shell shocked. 

“I was on comms with her when -” Poe shut his eyes and shook his head. He had to get through the rest of the story. “Then they - they attacked the bridge. Ackbar, Statura are both dead and Leia - it was touch and go for a while but she’s recovering now.”

And he told them the rest; told them how sketchy Holdo seemed, how hope had been waning aboard the Raddus once the evacuations had begun. He told them about his meltdown on the bridge (which earned him a sympathetic hand squeeze from Suralinda), told them about his few discussions with Holdo, his last-ditch effort to buy Finn and Rose more time by seizing control of the Raddus — 

Crait. How there was only the Falcon left; how nobody answered their pleas for help. How Luke Skywalker bravely sacrificed himself and became luminous to give them a chance to see tomorrow.

By the time he got done retelling it, he felt like he’d aged twenty years. This was everything he skirted around retelling Finn and Rey, and the trauma and stress of everything that happened finally sinking in. 

“Dank ferrik,” Snap murmured, turning around to scrub at his face. There were tears gathered in Kare’s eyes, and Suralinda was glaring at the ground as if it was personally responsible for all of this.

“I’m sorry you went through that alone, Poe,” Jessika said, breaking the silence. “You shouldn’t have to deal with that by yourself. We should’ve been there for you.”

Poe shook his head, “I’m glad you  _ weren’t.  _ Waiting around, not knowing if there was a plan…Jess, that wouldn’t have been good for you.” He kept his voice soft and low; the rest of the squadron would absolutely still hear him as close as they all stood, but he still wanted to give Jess a sense of privacy. 

She ducked her head, hands on her hips. He knew about the nightmares that kept her awake at night, how she desperately needed to be in control so her PTSD wasn’t triggered. As much as he might’ve wished for Black Squadron’s support aboard the Raddus, he wouldn’t want to put Jess through that.

“I can’t believe Holdo did that,” Kare said suddenly, and Poe glanced up at her. Her expression was screwed up with anger “‘Bedpan duty?’ Real classy, lady.” 

“Yeah.” Poe scrubbed his face, he’d almost forgotten her comment until he was retelling everything. His stomach belatedly knotted up with fury, but what good would that do him? Holdo had saved them and died to ensure they could get away. 

As if he could read Poe’s thoughts, Snap said, “She might’ve gone out a hero but that’s some real ableist shit. I can’t imagine being so heartless about anyone, let alone your own friend.”

“And everyone knows how much the General means to Poe,” Suralinda input, her eyes narrowed dangerously. “It was a cheap shot.”

“Cheap shot or not, she’s gone. The Resistance is running on fumes, but we’re alive ‘cos of what she did. We can waste our fury on a dead woman, or we can use that to become the spark that’ll ignite the flame that’ll burn the First Order down.” Poe informed them, still stuck on that particular echolalia. "And fight ableists who are still kicking."

The truth was, he wasn’t sure what he thought of Holdo even now. She wasn’t a coward or even a traitor like he feared, and he regretted that she had to sacrifice herself to save them, but it didn’t erase the fact that she hadn’t been forthright with anyone, or that she was willing to stand by and let hope wither and die. It didn’t change the fact that she had been a raging ableist, had looked down on him for spending his time keeping an eye on Leia -

_ Leia.  _ The closest thing he had left to family, aside from Black Squadron. Leia, who could’ve died and their last conversation would’ve been an argument; her disappointment in him hung like a heavy shadow on his heart, and he’d been determined to at least try and become the leader she evidently saw in him.

He just wanted to make her proud.

“With respect Poe, I’m still gonna be pissed off.” Kare informed him, “But I see where the priorities need to be right now. We got more assholes to deal with, ones that just seized control of the galaxy.”

Snap nodded, “Yeah. What’s our plan, boss?”

“We gotta find some more allies, some more ships for a start.” Poe ran a hand through his hair thoughtfully. “But right now...right now I think a group hug is in order.”

He’d barely gotten his sentence out when the squadron all but tackled him with one, and a laugh burst out of his throat. He wasn’t alone and that was everything.

**Author's Note:**

> The "bedpan duty" line is actually from the Last Jedi novelization, and I've been furious ever since I read it.


End file.
